"Over-Sharing" And Other Online Concerns

When I say "over-sharing", I'm not just talking about parents telling too much about their kids online. That can be a problem too, but I'm talking about showing much more of ourselves online than we would have before. It's great to see photos of our long-distance friends and family, but are there some things we just don't need others to see? Are there things others post that you don't care to see?

Employers often take advantage of technology when it comes to screening job applicants. For this reason, it's probably not a good idea to post the pictures of you drunk at a frat party in college on Facebook. While some employers will understand that we're not be the same person now that we were when the photo was taken and that what someone does in their spare time doesn't necessarily affect their work, others might not.

This is also true for teens applying for/going to certain colleges; I've known of private, religiously-affiliated schools not accepting or suspending students involved in activities (getting drunk, dressing provocatively etc) they consider to be dishonorable. Is that a risk you're willing to take? I'm not sure I would want to work for a company or go to a school that would hold unrelated spare-time activities against me, but that's just me. Employers don't always check, but you never know who will and who won't. Facebook allows you to set permissions of who can view what about you, so use it thoughtfully.

This principle doesn't just apply to social networks. I've moderated religion and spirituality forums for over ten years. I've seen virulently racist, homophobic and anti-Semitic comments as well as harassment of other posters that can make a person look completely different-and negatively so-than they are in real life. I'm sure no one here would say anything like that, but some teens and “tweens” find it fun to “spoof” or “troll” message boards and say things like this just to get a rise out of people. It's not funny now, and it definitely won't be down the line. Comments can't always be traced back to the posters, but some have been. Even if they aren't, words can hurt.

I can't imagine why a person would talk about something as personal as having been raped or being a recovered alcoholic online if they didn't want other people to know about it, but be wise about where you post things. Private boards, private chat rooms or password-protected blog posts are helpful; otherwise, just use common sense.

Remember that anything we put online is out there for good. We might be able to take down the videos or pictures we post, but there's still the possibility of someone else downloading it. Even if something can't be traced back to the person who posted it or have a negative effect on their future job prospects, teens need to understand that those pictures and comments are still going to be out there when they've outgrown whatever it was that they posted. I can think of plenty of things I did that I don't want to be reminded of. I'm not suggesting that your kids be paranoid so much as that they think about the possible consequences before posting something online.

What (Potential) Dangers Await Your Teen Online?

If your teenagers are anything like the ones I know, they are very adept with technology. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've had to ask my nephew how to use certain features on my iPod or get to the controls on Facebook! It's because they're so active and adept that I've felt the need to warn you about some of the things they (or maybe even you!) may come across online. Hopefully your child has never come across these problems, but it's good to know about them in case they do.

-Sexting, pictures or words.
I think the problems with teens sending sexy pictures or text messages to others is pretty obvious. It's one thing for adults to do that within a marriage, but teenagers tend to be more risky and thus are more likely to take these things a bit too far.

Frankly, I wouldn't *want* naked pictures of me to be in 'tangible' form! I have an ex who was very vindictive-imagine what could have happened had I sent him a picture like that? Let's just say our mutual friends would know waaaaaay too much about me! 

-Meeting people in chat rooms or forums who aren't who they seem to be. I understand it's possible to get to trust someone through online conversations; in fact, some online communities are more 'closely-knit' than 'real-life' ones! I've met great friends (and boyfriends!) online. However, not all internet relationships turn out well.

Sometimes people will 'spoof' or pretend to be something they aren't. They might do this for fun or to 'troll', but they also may be predators who do or say these things to lure a possible 'mark'. For instance, an adult might visit teen chat rooms and listen as though they understand you and say what they think you want to hear, what is necessary to get you to let your guard down and feel comfortable sharing more and more information-personal information you probably wouldn't share with a stranger on the street. They may or may not pretend to be the same age, but a lot of the time we just assume that everyone in a chatroom fits that chatroom's 'profile' when they very well may not. It might not seem that the person on the other side of the screen is a stranger but, technically, they are. Exercise the same caution online as you would in real life, and then some. However, don't be afraid to get to know new people online in an intimate way, because you might miss out on some great opportunities. Just be smart about it.

-Online Games Gaming (World of Warcraft, etc) does pose a chance of meeting someone who isn't what they say they are, but the risk is not as high as in chat rooms. The reason for this is that, according to some players I know, most conversation that goes on is about the game only. They might exchange things like 'a/s/l' (age, sex, location) and occasionally hit it off with someone, but most of the time they are so occupied with the game that they don't think about socializing.

When it comes to the games your kids play, however, consider the content. What is the object of the game? Is said object something (stealing cars, killing cops, etc) you don't want your kids seeing glorified? Is it too violent? What sort of violence does it have-cartoonish or graphic? Games rated 'M for Mature' are so for a reason. Of course, a lot depends on your particular child. You know what s/he can handle.

-Parental controls. I'm sure no one likes to think about their kids looking at porn, so you can definitely use your parental controls to screen out content you don't want them to see (sexual, drug-related, etc). They aren't foolproof, but at least you can 'relax' the controls as you see fit.

-Streaming. Be cautious (and teach your kids the same) when it comes to streaming content or file-sharing. This is because a) all 'torrents' or content might not be legal (i.e. Napster), and b) this is a common way for malware and spyware to come onto your system, some of which is extremely harmful and/or can result in things like identity theft or password stealing. Sometimes the damage is intentional, but it is possible for viruses and whatnot to come on attachments without the sender knowing it. Some viruses 'replicate'-meaning, the virus not only messes up the receiver's computer, it sends itself to everyone that person emails or talks to. Don't accept or download files from people you don't really know.

As I've said before, technology can be wonderful to use. There are, however, people out there who like to make things a little 'less wonderful' and it helps to know how to combat those things. A lot of these things seem obvious, but it's really easy for your kids (or even you) to get caught up in the fun and miss some signs of trouble. Overall, know your children and make your decisions accordingly. 

Steps That You, As A Parent, Can Take To Prevent Cyberbullying

In a previous post, I talked about what a parent or child can do if they know or suspect that cyberbullying is taking place. However, I'm sure we all know that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. What are some things you and/or your child do to prevent cyberbullying from happening?

• Remind your child that the same 'rules' about dealing with people in person also apply online. It is very easy to forget that there is a person with feelings on the other side of a computer screen, so we might be more willing to do or say things that we ordinarily wouldn't. Being relatively anonymous just adds to it it. Remind your child that this is not acceptable. Asking, 'how would you feel if someone said that about you?' might make some teenagers roll their eyes, but it is a very important question they should consider. Reinforce the values you have taught them about how to treat others. Also, reminding them to use emoticons or abbreviations such as 'j/k' (just kidding) when joking around can go a long way in making sure that something that is meant in fun isn't taken the wrong way.
• Remind your child that anything that is posted online is up there to stay, and for anyone to see. Teach them to ask themselves, 'would I want a future employer/college/my mom/etc to see this?' With more and more employers and others using Facebook or Google to 'vet' potential candidates, it's pretty easy for someone to harm their reputation simply by posting certain pictures and comments online. I've known people who were denied jobs or scholarships because their employers saw some of their distasteful and mean conversations or pictures online. While this might seem extreme, remember that character amounts to a lot more than we might think, so your child should think about the possible affects something can have on their reputation before posting.
• This might go without saying, but remind your child not to pass on anything they get from a cyberbully and/or to block such a person. Have them tell the bully to stop, and refuse to participate in any way. This includes retaliating against someone who bullies them, because all it does is keep the cycle going!
• Tell your children not to open messages from people they don't know, or from known bullies. Some of the more 'sophisticated' types might try to cause harm by sending emails that spread viruses or other malware. I once had someone send me an attachment with a Trojan horse (password-stealer) virus and proceeded to send out porn links to over 200 people in my name. Can you imagine what kind of damage that would do to my reputation if the wrong person saw that? Also, remind that we might seem anonymous online, but that isn't 100%. There are ways to trace a person's conduct back to them.
• Monitor your child's use of cell phones and the internet, and have them add you as a 'friend' on Facebook or other social networking sites. Remind them not to give out their password or other potentially-identifying information.
• Model proper use of technology yourself. While most adults probably wouldn't participate in such immature acts as harassing someone online, it's still important that you exercise the caution regarding postings, passwords and manner of speaking that you want to see in them.

As you can see, there are many ways you as a parent can help prevent cyberbullying involving your child from happening. The 'ripple effect'-the idea that a seemingly-small action can set off things with a much wider 'reach'-is just as true on the internet as it is in 'real-life', if not more. I know it might not seem so, but teaching your child to combat cyberbullying is one step closer to getting rid of it for good.